1. It is rife with traps
2. My smokin’ hot lady friend is capable eating a literal highball of strictly peanut butter as an appetizer in the time it took me to drive to the Taco Bell and back that was three blocks away
“I don’t have to explain myself to you.”
3. Moms can send you mail across the country *without your name on it* and it will still get to you
May or may not be anthrax.
4. The Gum Wall is the 8th Wonder of the World
A paradox of nature, this 50 foot wall is lathered in chewed gum, reaching points as high as 15 feet.
To this very day, the origin of this ancient structure is debated by scientists, sociologists, philosophers, and clergymen.
Was it erected by Aliens? Wooly Mammoths? Perhaps, God?
Beloved President Trump, himself, has recently sung praise for the primordial phenomenon: “It’s amazing. Absolutely great. Like a spider-web. You can’t climb it, you’ll get stuck! The best.”
5. If you dress like a douche you will be harassed by little girls
This was before a little girl’s dad pulled over his van so his daughter and her friends could harass my choice of clothing.
“I’m living out of a car!” I yelled.
“No excuses, pussy!” she shot back.
6. The Space Noodle doesn’t even reach space…
Despite its name, this giant linguini doesn’t even crack the Troposphere, let alone the Kármán Line.
Built during the forgotten “Cloud Age,” architects believed the structure would reach outer space.
When the skies finally parted in time for the 1962 World’s Fair, the Noodle was the subject of international awe and inspiration. (Notwithstanding the Italians, who were offended the Noodle could not be “either ingested or fucked”.)
7. … but it offers some neat views anyway
If you squint really hard and say ‘Bop’ 3 times, you can see Mt. Rainier in the background.
Can you spot Kylie in the bottom right of the above photo? ^
8. Beecher’s World Famous Grilled Cheese is dope
Hottest Grilled Cheese Advertisement Ever ^^^
9. Waiting in line to get into the OG Starbucks is hell on actual earth but you have to do it EVERY ONE IS DOING IT
“Hi, we serve the exact same shit as the other LITERAL 103 Starbucks in Seattle.”
10. Trolls Exist
Trump has also expressed interest in moving big stone Troll man to the border to keep out Bad Hombres
Yes, this is the same Fremont Troll that appears in 10 Things I Hate About You — basically the highlight of our roadtrip
11. Pike Place Market is more than just a damn crepe
But like, wow.. what a crepe.
12. Seattle has a big shuttlecock but its not the world’s biggest shuttlecock
That honor belongs to Kansas City, Missouri.