Portland, OregonThe Stripclub Capital of the U.S.
Portland, Oregon is the strip club capital of the U.S. There is one strip club for every 11,000 people. As recently as 2015, there were 54 strip clubs in Portland.1 By comparison, there were 34 in Vegas, 20 in Miami, and 11 in Minneapolis. There's seemingly one on every block, casually nestled between a Starbucks and Walgreens.
But this post has little to do with strip clubs, unfortunately. I just wanted to clarify why, moving forward, I will be referring to Portland as strictly, 'Portland: The Strip Club Capital of the U.S.'. Alrighty, good talk.
Portland: The Strip Club Capital of the U.S.
Portland: The Strip Club Capital of the U.S. sees rain on almost 50% of days every year, while it sees rain on 100% of days during Bop. We’d been struggling with bad weather since Rainier, which ultimately peaked in the form of a historic, typhoon-generated storms and tornadoes in Astoria.
This dogshit trend lingered on in Portland: The Strip Club Capital of the U.S. and forced us to take refuge in a coffee shop. We took advantage of a rare opportunity to work on the blog.
Besides giving somebody’s daughter cash to see their funbags, Portland: The Strip Club Capital of the U.S. is well-known for its coffee shops. We spent a few hours at Albina Press in the North PDX neighbordhood, blogging and being interviewed by an eager, overdressed undergrad who happened to be Jesse Plemons’ doppleganger.
Eventually, the sun set and we dipped outside the city in search of a nearby campground. We really underestimated how severely these storms ravaged the area. The few campgrounds that weren’t closed were fuller than a vegan strip club on Earth Day.
Listen, anyway, we slept at a Walmart! In the car! It wasn’t so bad… we did some old-fashioned cannabis1, ate some snacks, watched a movie, and enjoyed 5 hours of not totally awful sleep. Not recommended, but a decent last-resort.
Come morning, we headed downtown to explore the city. It wasn’t our most efficient sightseeing day, but we slept at Walmart so give us a break.2
Here are some highlights (all free):
- Saturday Market: We parked riverside and spent a couple hours wandering through the stalls of the Saturday Market, which was extremely underwhelming and abbreviated in the wake of the storm.
- Pioneer Courthouse Square: “Portland’s Living Room” is a great place to check out some public art, kick back, and figure out where to go next.
- Old Town Chinatown: A vibrant neighborhood with tons to do and eat — including the iconic ‘Voodoo Doughnuts’ (if you don’t mind waiting in line for 30+ minutes). Bonus: Closed to cars on the weekends.
- More Coffee Shops: I mean, it’s Portland for bop’s shake. We checked out the famous ‘Barista’ shop in downtown. It soothed my addiction cravings and tasted pretty damn good so two thumbs up.
The second night in Portland was one of the most excruciating experiences of our entire trip. We spent hours driving miles and miles from campsite to campsite, public land to public land, looking for an open campground or accessible shared space to pitch the tent. Kylie did her best to co-pilot but couldn’t help falling asleep. Out of fear of doing the same at the wheel, I returned to the promised land: Walmart.
There’s something to be said about how little sleep we were able to operate on. Our days were always long and taxed heavily with hiking, driving, fighting, mapping, boppin’ squiddles, and just all-around raging. But when everyday is brand new, stimulation comes easy.
WITH THAT BEING SAID, 8 hours of aggregate sleep over two nights in a car paired with nearly a week straight of rain sunk us to our most sluggish of the trip. It was the perfect day to check out the First Planned Scenic Road in the U.S.: The Historic Columbia River Highway, home of Oregon’s iconic Multnomah Falls.
Walmart Parking Lot, Wood Village, OR 97060
Scenery 1★: Truckers and pavement
Accessibility 5★: All roads = paved
Activities 1★: Kind of like prison
Food/Bev 4★: Lots of options tbh, nothing fresh.
Price 3★: Free for your wallet, costly for your soul, morale, body, etc.
Overall Dopeness Rating: 2.8★
1. Street Art. It’s everywhere, and for the most part it’s really damn cool.
2. The Portland Aerial Tram. An absolute marvel of Urban Planning. I take no shame in writing this sentence.3
3. Bikers. I saw some bikers, I suppose. But Minneapolis has way more FIGHT ME PORTLAND: The Stripclub Capital of the U.S.
4. Strip Clubs.